His next words will haunt me for the rest of my life- “Where are your ovaries?”

My journey started in April 2021. That was our first appointment at the fertility clinic. But the truth is, this journey we are on, it started a long time ago, I just didn’t know it yet.

Walking into the doctors room for the first time was scary, I didn’t know what to expect and I felt guilty about going–weird right? I had planned a whole speech justifying me being there. “I know I’m ‘young’ and that we’ve only been trying for five months” I would tell him “but just hear me out. Something is telling me we need to be here.”

Something is telling me we need to be here.

My big concern back then was having a healthy baby and what I could do to ensure that happens. I have been working with children with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and other very specialised needs for over 10 years and I have been petrified that with my autoimmune and family history, I would have a child with ASD.

Maybe a part of me wanted to see a specialist before we fell pregnant so that I could get advice on what I could do to help my baby be healthy and happy. But if I’m honest with myself, there was something inside me, a little voice insisting that something wasn’t quite right.

Needless to say, I didn’t even have to give my well rehearsed speech. My Doctor was utterly amazing and made me feel validated and understood from the moment I walked in.

“Let’s just do a quick scan to see what we’re working with” he said. And off we went right away for my first scan.

The Scan Bombshell

I was sitting on the bed staring at the screen while the doctor searched for my ovaries. My partner tightly held my shoulder at this point, was as eager as I to hear what he had to say.

“You have a beautiful uterus” he said and I remember feeling proud.

His next words will haunt me for the rest of my life “where are your ovaries?” followed by “have you been having hot flushes?”

His next words will haunt me for the rest of my life “where are your ovaries?” followed by “have you been having hot flushes?”

I wanted to laugh and say “I’m only 33, of course not” but the seriousness of his voice stopped me.

He finally found them and measured them. Then he showed me how big they should be. This was it, the moment I never expected to happen. My ovaries are a third of the size they should be. I have Premature Ovarian Insufficiency (POI).

Initially, my biggest concern right there was that I would have early menopause. A few moments later, it hit me–would this mean I might not be able to have kids?

We went back to doctor’s office and the rest of that appointment feels like a blur.

All I can recall is my partner’s hand holding my leg while the doctor spoke, and how he kept looking at me to see if I was okay.

My doctor made us feel like we were his number one priority and he would walk us through this entire journey. I remember crying and feeling a deep sense of sorrow and mourning.

I remember thinking “it’s because you always said you didn’t want to have kids”

Read Part 2 on the Big Fertility Project

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